The brain is wired to keep us alive, not healthy or happy. Anxiety is one of the many tools the brain uses to keep us alive.
Anxiety is extremely appropriate in some circumstances. Feeling uneasy when walking down a dark alley has utility; it nudges you to stay alert and ready to run.
Anxiety becomes a problematic habit when it morphs into a habitual reaction — an uncalibrated, pervasive internal state.
If anxiety is your “norm” — your habitual coping mechanism — then Justin Brewer’s book Unwinding Anxiety is for you. It will help you, unsurprisingly, unwind from the habit of anxiety.
Quite possibly you have never thought of “anxiety” as a habit. If so, hopefully this review will inspire an “ah-ha” moment.
Maybe you already know that anxiety can be a habit, but you didn’t realize it was your pattern because, to quote Brewer, anxiety has been “hiding in your habits.”
Anxious thoughts are unnerving. Instead of sitting and working with them, too often we distract ourselves with food, wine, over-exercising, orthorexic control, and/or work. These choices feel good in the moment. They offer a sense of control and/or anesthetize hard emotions. Unfortunately, long term they feed our anxiety, causing a negative spiral: anxiety inspires a coping behaviour that breeds anxiety that reinforces said behaviour. A habit of behaviour is born.
If you have the cognitive energy to read Brewer’s entire book, great. I highly recommend it. If podcasts are more your thing, check out Brewer on 10% Happier. If you just want the highlights, no problem; below are a few of Brewer’s main take-aways.
Cue. Behaviour. Reward
Habits are things we do habitually. We typically think of them as behaviours such as brushing our teeth or exercising, but they can be ingrained thought patterns, postural configurations, and/or self-talk scripts.
Habits keep us alive. Without them we would be overstimulated and exhausted before breakfast. Imagine if every morning you had to re-learn how to walk, pour coffee, or put on your shoes?
According to Brewer, a habit includes a cue, a behaviour, and a reward.
An environmental cue stimulates a behaviour. The behaviour stimulates a reward. The reward reinforces the behaviour. A habit is born.
For example,
Environmental cue = you come to a busy street
Behaviour = you look both ways
Reward = you live, which inspires you to be careful the next time you cross a busy street
The above habit is positive (it keeps you alive) and simplistic (the cue has an obvious associated behaviour). Unless you are a teenager craving attention from defying the rules, the reward of “staying alive” will inspire you not to wander into traffic.
Often, more problematic habits develop when the “cue” has no obvious “behaviour.” Let’s say that as a child we felt unloved. Feelings of uneasiness cue us to act, but in this instance there is no obvious way to “look both ways.” We are forced to choose (often without thinking) from one of the many behaviorus available — some healthier than others. We could phone a friend, but too often we decide instead to soften the uneasiness by drinking or overworking.
Take a moment. Reflect. What do you do when you feel uneasy? Anxious? Afraid? Worried?
The goal is to let the pain visit, not stay. Feel the feelings so that you can metabolize them.
Without intention our brains create habits by default. There is no guarantee that these “default” habits will serve your long-term goals.
The key is to use your knowledge of “habit loops” to intentionally form habits “by design.” Decide that when you feel low energy you will intentionally move your body. Or that when you feel sad you will journal or phone a friend. With enough repetition your body will start to enjoy the rewards of these activities and these new, healthier behaviours will become habitual.
Work with your brain. Update your “reward value”
Don’t get mad at your brain for having created your current habits — that is like getting mad at a fish for not being able to run like a tiger. Your brain’s job is to create automatic modes of thinking, moving, and being. Thank your brain for doing its best to keep you alive. Then move forward.
Instead of getting mad at your current anxiety loops, learn to recognize the anxiety. Then change the way you relate to it. If you currently relate to your anxiety by “numbing” the emotion, work to update your “reward values.”
The reward value is what your brain unconsciously anticipates of any given behaviour.
Example: As a child your dad made cake for your birthday. It tasted divine, made you feel safe and happy, and your body enjoyed the hit of sugar. Your brain associates’ cake with “love and safety and a sugar hit.” As an adult you don’t intentionally pause and ask yourself if you even like the experience of eating cake and /or if you feel good after eating it. You just eat it — probably while watching TV or chatting with someone at a party. Thus, your brain never updates its association of “cake and love.” When you feel anxious about being lovable, the emotional signals an urge — the “I need to have some cake” desire. This urge triggers the action. You eat some cake.
To change your habit, you must update your reward value. You must be mindful so you can note the discrepancy between actual outcomes from any behaviour and what your unconscious brain expects. When you eat cake ask yourself how the sugar makes your body feel. Does the cake really make you feel loved. I bet you find you enjoy a small amount of well-made cake, but large portions make your stomach ache and you feel slightly jittery.
Feel it. Try it. Give your brain a “bigger, better offer”
Awareness is key. You can’t think your way out of an old habit, and you can’t think your way into a new habit. You must experience the positives of the new behaviour.
A FEELING BODY WILL ALWAYS TRUMP THE THINKING BRAIN.
You must feel the new positives so that your body craves the new activity. Try new things. If you never try new behaviours, you can’t create new desires.
In Brewer’s words, you must give your brain a “bigger, better offer.” If your brain doesn’t get a better offer, why would it step away from its current rut? Go for a walk and show your brain how lovely it is to be in nature. Call a friend; feel how good connection feels. Slowly, the new behaviour will become a habit.
When your perpetual tendencies start to trip you up, pause and step away. Remind yourself that feelings are not facts, and you don’t have to act on any urge.
Say to yourself “oh, that is just my brain.” Don’t take the urge personally. Just step away from the craving so you can act in a way that serves you.
Create a new necklace
To paraphrase Brewer, think of your choices as beads in a necklace and reflect on what type of necklace you are creating. A choice repeated becomes a habit.
James Clear would say that your choices are “votes” for the type of person you want to become. Visualize the type of person you are voting into existence.
Either way, all you have is now. What you make of this moment sets your course.
Running away from the problem only increases the distance from the solution.
To quote Maria Robinson, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and create a new ending.”
Final thoughts
By far the most critical take-away is this: breaking any habituated way of thinking and acting will be hard, but NOT impossible. You can do hard things! With knowledge, awareness, and intention, much is possible.
