It doesn’t matter how skilled you are at leading others; if you can’t lead yourself, you will never reach your health goals.
Knowledge is critical, but what you know is not the same as what you do, and what you do trumps everything. The trick is to improve how you talk to yourself; the conversation between your ears turns what you know into action.
You need to inspire you to act in ways that will create your future, favourite self.
Enter Jim Dethmer’s book 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership. 15 Commitments is typically marketed as a business resource, but at its core it teaches the reader to act with intention; how to be an aware, agency-filled human…and nothing requires agency and awareness like achieving a health goal.
15 Commitments in a Nutshell
Main takeaway? Never act from “below the line.”
Notice I didn’t say “never go below the line.”
We all go below the line sometimes; we are all only human. Conscious leaders learn to identify when they are below the line so they can pause and intentionally flip to above the line before making critical decisions or having important conversations.
No one makes A+ choices from below the line. Why? When below the line you are physically and/or psychologically dysregulated; you are judgemental, committed to being right, closed minded, defensive, etc.
(Side note: I am willing to bet you have gone to a grocery store hungry, planning to buy vegetables only to walk out with the entire junk food aisle. After consuming the sugar, you then think, “Why did I do that?” That is an example of making a decision from a dysregulated, “below the line” physiology. The key is not to let yourself get dysregulated in the first place. But I digress; more on this in a bit.)
When you act from above the line you are responsive, calm, curious, and productive.
To achieve your health goals, you need to make (most of) your health decisions from above the line.
You need to learn how to “Pause. Accept. Shift.”
Pause in the moment you are in. (In the above example, you are at grocery store thinking, “That ice cream looks good.”)
Accept the moment for what it is. You can only be where you are. Once you accept where you are, take steps to move forward. (Instead of just grabbing the ice cream, pause and say to yourself, “Self, you want the ice cream, but just because you are in this situation doesn’t mean you should give in to your hungry self. Walk away. Your future self will not be happy if you buy all the ice cream.” Next time, eat before grocery shopping so you are not starving.)
Shift your mindset and physiology to a state that will help you get the results that you desire. (Buy a healthy snack so you are no longer hungry or phone a friend and tell them what you are thinking of doing so they can encourage you to walk away and/or put on some music and get your mind away from food.)
The main takeaway is this: You are the leader of you. Lead your current self towards your favourite future version of you. To learn more of my main takeaways from the book, keep reading. To hear about the book from the author, listen to his interview on the Tim Ferriss podcast.
1. LIFE IS ONE BIG CONVERSATION
Everyone must—in some way—communicate with both themselves and others to survive. No one can “opt out” of the conversation of life.
You can however “opt into” improving how effectively you communicate with yourself and others. The better you communicate, the more likely you are to get what you want!
Think of communication as existing on a continuum. On one end of the continuum, you interact in ways that get you the opposite of what you want—instead of ordering dinner you get a glass of water to the face. On the other end you interact effectively; you communicate in ways that move you closer to your goal. Your goal is to go to the gym and after repeating a motivational motto to yourself you sweat and feel amazing.
Since you are the one most likely to talk yourself into or out of working out and/or eating your vegetables, you must learn to create a productive conversation within your head. You must learn to disentangle context from content. Content is “what” you are talking about. Context is “how” you talk about the content.
The key is to step back and analyse HOW you are talking to yourself.
Are you talking to yourself from above or below the line? Are you reactive, judgemental, and emotional? Or are you growth-oriented and curious?
For example, when you skip a workout, do you talk to yourself from above or below the line?
Above the line: “Self, you skipped a workout. What can we learn from that? You don’t feel good. If you had gone for a walk, you would feel better in this moment. What can we do differently next time?”
Below the line: “You skipped your workout, again. You are just a lazy ass. You will never succeed.”
Both conversations contain the same content. In both examples you are frustrated that you skipped a workout. In the first, you set yourself up to make a better choice next time. In the second, you shame yourself and thus set the stage for future skipped workouts. A brain seeped in shame can’t learn.
Key takeaway: Learn to talk to yourself in a way that will inspire action. Belittling yourself is not useful. Foster a growth mindset. Learn. Be curious. Grow.
2. FLIP IT FROM “TO ME” TO “BY ME!”
To create your favourite, fittest future self, you must believe at some base level that you have the power to change—that your world is created “by you.”
The opposite of a “by me” mindset is the “to me” mindset. When you lean into a “to me” mentality, you internalize that the world is happening to you—that you are simply being blown in the wind.
Achieving your fittest future self requires a (mostly) “by me” attitude.
Obviously, no one can always feel 100% optimistic and in control, but there is a difference between having momentary wobbles that you intentionally work to get out of and leaning into the feeling of powerlessness.
Thoughts are not facts. The key is, don’t believe everything you think and feel. The story you are telling yourself is just that—a story. Learn to tell yourself a story that aids your journey vs detracts from your gaols. Learn to pause and “flip” your narrative from “to me” to “by me.”
3. BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT YOUR SCHEDULE
Create a schedule that moves you towards your favourite version of you. Intentionally move away from the people, activities, and environments that foster your least favourite version of yourself. Make your schedule reflect who you want to be and what you value.
Find the people, activities, and environments that make you your favourite version of you. Gradually weave those people, activities, and environments into your timetable.
How? Take inventory.
Make a list of everything you have done over the past few weeks. Place arrows beside each activity.
Put an “up” arrow if your energy increased from that activity. (For me this is exercise and sleep; I always feel better after I move and/or get a good night sleep.)
Put a horizontal arrow beside activities that keep your energy flat.
Put a down arrow beside activities, environments, and people that drain your energy—hello, “energy vampires.” Remember, the dose makes the poison. Duration and intensity of the activity matter. A 30-minute workout will be energizing. Watching a quality movie, relaxing and joyful. A 10-hour workout for most humans is overkill. A week of movies, depressing.
Main takeaway: It all comes back to awareness and intention. With awareness comes choice. Once you are aware of the actions, people, and environments that create your favourite version of you, you can intentionally build a life that supports those actions, people, and environments.
Final thoughts
I am not trying to ignore the real external limits that constrain our choices. Humans exist within systems that both shape us and are shaped by us.
I am not suggesting you should—or can—ignore the systems that surround you. I am encouraging you not to add internal limitations onto external constraints. Find small places where you can exert agency. Don’t fall into the defeatist “to me” spiral. Control what you can control. Look for solutions.
When you find yourself below the line take steps to “flip” yourself to above the line. Change your physiology. ACTION is key.
TRY
- Jump on one leg and flap your arms around as you say outloud the issue that is happening “to you.” It is hard to take your narrative seriously while jumping on one leg like a pogo stick.
- Make up a country song about your issue. Sing it loudly.Have a temper tantrum. Yell about your issue. There is nothing like acting like a 5-year-old to remind yourself to get out of your own head.
- Sing “I am right and you are wrong” at the top of your lungs or in the tune of your favourite nursery rhyme.
- Don’t set a goal of “self-leadership perfection.” Even the most effective, healthiest leaders drift between physiological states. The goal is not to be perfectly regulated all the time. The goal is to actively set yourself up for success. The more you intentionally stay hydrated, get enough sleep, move your body, and consume healthy foods, the less likely it is that you will fall below the line. When you do go below the line, be aware enough to know you are below the line so you can work hard to get yourself above it. Until you get yourself above the line, don’t make important decisions or have critical conversations.
You will have moments where you fall below the line. The question is, how quickly can you course correct? Have compassion for yourself while also holding yourself accountable.
You CAN become your future favourite version of you; all it will require is many, many, many productive, conscious conversations! Good luck!
